Thank you, thank you. Wow, it’s… [deep breath] It’s so good to finally be here. When I began this project of chaos and destruction I could only have dreamt it would kill and maim so many people… it’s truly beyond my wildest expectations.
Of course, I couldn’t have done it without the help of many people. First of all, of course, I have to thank America itself, and especially the NRA. The wonderful, bloody cycle of money between arms manufacturers and senators allows them to glance over finer details of the Second Amendment’s consequences. For instance, a gun in the home is forty times more likely to kill a member of the family than an intruder*, but don’t let that put you off purchasing one for your little tykes! And I couldn’t have done this in, say, Japan, where handguns cannot be carried by the public and the homicide rate per capita isn’t even one-tenth of what it is in the good ol’ Land of the Free**. Best of all, one of your members has made the glorious argument that my actions prove MORE guns are needed in the hands of the general public***. So, NRA, a twelve-gun salute to you guys! [cocks finger gun, winks, chuckles]
I also have to give due credit to the tabloid media machine. CNN, CBS, the Daily Mail – all kneel on the ground with their arms aloft, crying out “WHY?! Why would a man perpetrate such a hideous crime?! Read more after this un/flattering picture of Nicole Scherzinger’s cleavage?!…” Of course, they don’t really want to know and only pretend to care; all they desire is the debate. After the reporting there is only leering speculation to shift papers. Therefore, it is clearly essential they ask people with the vaguest of connections to me probing questions about my inner psyche, and focus on arbitrary points of my life that bear zero significance to anything related to the event itself. Am I a cold-blooded plotting genius? A hot-headed loose cannon? Was I politically motivated? Bullied, depressed, off my face on those darned “bath salts”? Did I disagree with Christopher Nolan’s direction? Nobody knows – that’s half the fun of it!
On that note, I must also thank the giants on whose shoulders I stand. A—– B——, the perpetrator of Utoya Island. S——– C– at Virginia Tech. E— H—– and D—- K—— at Columbine. Without them, I would never have realised the oxygen of publicity that could be granted to mass murderers like myself. If the audience is there, why not perform to them? Knowing that I could be stood up here, famous across the world, is half the reason I worked so hard to achieve this… [sniff]
Right, it’s getting near my five minutes. So most of all, I want to thank YOU, the people who viewed my atrocity from every angle. In the next few days, the internet will distend under the excessive weight of coverage, virtually idolising me. I bet you’ll know more about me than about any of the people that died. Fantastic – that’s exactly the way I want it to be.
Consider this: at the end of the film Pan’s Labyrinth, when C—— V—- is facing execution at the hands of the rebels, he says, all statesman-like, “Tell my son the time that his father died. Tell him-“
“No,” interjects one of the rebel leaders. “He won’t even know your name.”
A look of utmost horror on V—-‘s face.
BANG.
It sounds so glib, but all you’d have to do is treat these incidents the way an adult treats a toddler throwing a (particularly violent) tantrum – don’t give him attention – and all of my hard work would be greatly diminished. So I implore you – keep reading these insidious articles detailing every aspect of my life. Turn me into a superhuman monster. Elevate the importance of my life above that of all of my victims put together. Other lonely, miserable, mentally unstable people around the world will perceive my martyrdom and maybe, just maybe, will be inspired enough to try a shooting out for themselves, and our blossoming mass-murder industry will be perpetuated to ever greater- [timer buzzes]
Thank you again, I’ll see you all at the post-awards party. Remember the name: J—- H—–! Thank you, guys, thank you… [is escorted from stage, sobbing, by men in white coats]
*http://www.azdhs.gov/plan/report/im/im/im08/7/pdf/7-7.pdf
**http://www.unodc.org/unodc/en/data-and-analysis/homicide.html (in the UK’s case, it’s one-quarter of the US rate)
***http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/world-news/denver-batman-massacre-an-argument-for-more-guns-says-nra-member-16187894.html
Adam Learmonth 
I’ve never read anything like this before, & really enjoyed it!! Very original.